I think it’s been a couple years already… I was attending a workshop about my desires and this one thing came up…
But I was afraid to share it.
I didn’t even tell anyone about it.
I didn’t know why this came up within me, and I didn’t want it to be there.
But there it fucking was:
My desire was to be hurt.
But why would I desire that when every single relationship I’ve been in resulted in hurt? Not only being hurt, but being very hurtful too. I didn’t like that. I didn’t want that.
And I knew I couldn’t push it away.
That only attracts more by staying focused on hurt (that’s just how the subconscious mind works).
So I gave my desire space.
I let the part of me feeling this desire feel safe.
I gave my desire a voice.
All the while, I was still attracting pain. Heartbreak. Painful relationships. I was hurting others and being hurt myself.
It amplified.
And I still didn’t know why.
Until now…
It was because I asked the universe to “go easy” on me.
I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. At first, I thought the answer was to let life toughen me up. I was wrong. It only made me less authentic to who I really am.
And I hit emotional rock-bottom.
But that’s where I found my strength in vulnerability. That’s when I started to open up as the shell I created started to crack.
And that’s when I began to emerge.
I started myself on a path of “self-help.” It was really self-discovery. People thought I was crazy to spend money on this kind of stuff, and even more to stick around and voluntarily devote myself and my time for these programs.
And more recently, I was told I’m just part of a “sales funnel.”
I’m being “manipulated.”
“Brainwashed.”
Like other friends of mine, I was accused of “buying friends.”
I was told it was all bullshit based on “pseudoscience.” But I’ve spent lifetimes to see gains that have only happened in the past few years. This time, they were wrong (and some of those voices were my own negative self talk, too).
I’ve processed feelings of hurt, heartbreak, and so many limiting beliefs and decisions around this. I found a root cause when I was only one month in the womb, and it was also tied to money problems!
Problem solved then, right?
In a way, yes, but was I still looking for the easy answers?
Yup.
Ok, here it is: If you ask your higher consciousness to go easy, the subconscious finds the quickest solutions to deliver your lessons. That means–you guessed it–pain.
The universe gives us what we command!
It is a very complex system of programming code that filters infinite possibilities to match you with the most probable outcome you are attracting based on your own vibration. Ok, maybe not so complex after all.
I was attracting lessons.
But when they hurt, I didn’t want to deal with it right away. I used to push that shit back down in the distant past. Then it would come back up again, in different ways and with different people.
Even how I was trying to heal it was sometimes a way of pushing it away because I didn’t want to feel hurt!
Hmmmm…
Here’s why it was coming up:
Every single time the situation that caused the hurt was happening, it was the subconscious attracting it–to process it.
The subconscious brings things up exactly at the right time when it knows you are ready to process it.
But I was second-guessing my own intuition.
I wasn’t looking past the pain, and that’s why I’d run and hide.
I’d retreat.
I’d create a shell for protection.
I didn’t need protection from anything though, because I was the one getting in my own way!
All I have to do is let my subconscious do its thing.
Oh wait, the universe really was going easy on me!
Every time you attract hurtful situations, your mind is bringing that up to process it and transcend that shit!
It’s only reflecting your past beliefs for you to let go of them.
That’s why I’ve been self-reflecting this time. Because everything that’s hurt me in the past is now becoming my greatest breakthrough!
And here’s the lesson: I don’t need walls. I don’t need blocks. I don’t need protection. I don’t need boundaries. That’s right, fuck boundaries! You got something, bring it! Cause I’ll process the shit out of it and thank you!
I came here to love. And that’s what I’m gonna do!
Thank you to all of my past projections of hurt that created my desire to erect boundaries and shells for protection. You have served your purpose and may now go freely into this universe to serve in other, more wholesome ways.
I release and let go for good.
Thank you to everyone who served this purpose. Thank you for every lesson. Thank you, universe, for every gift.
And thank you, me, for creating the space and letting me share.
All along, I was desiring pain so I could process it for good.
I desired hurt to get through it.
Now I’m focusing on desiring even more of the juicy good kind of love… Getting further away from my comfort zone to find the juiciest ways of stimulating my body, heart, and mind. Going deeper within to share even more oneness and connectedness.
And if I experience fear, I’ll give it a voice to explore. Because life isn’t about holding back.
It’s about embracing the wholeness of self with every desire and springing forth into new uncharted territory!
Thank you. It is done. It is done. It is done!
=D
And the next FREE CommUNITY Workshop–it’s gonna be about desire!