I used to tell myself that if I’m ever lost in the mind, I can find what’s “real” by going back to where the pain was. Pain was my way of describing reality. This belief was attracting pain. And I found myself desiring hurt…

Later I found out why and was finally able to see beyond it–to the subconscious process of transcending the lessons associated with pain, hurt, and heartbreak.

Now I know I’m not attracting it.

It’s just something I experience when I’m breaking attachments that I wasn’t previously aware of.

It served the highest positive intent and I can let go.

Surrender.

And just be.

And with every “layer” I let go, I feel that I am getting to the core. I’ve transcended dying. Fear of abandonment. Self-imposed blinders installed before birth to agree with limiting beliefs and decisions of notenoughness.

And here I am. Open. Loving. Compassionate. Yet still falling apart (I’m tacos lol).

That’s because I’m confused. And that’s a good thing, because I have to get out of my current way of thinking to try to understand it…

I AM very accepting. I’ve transcended identity, creating space for my consciousness to accept things as they are, perfectly in order for growth to happen. And for life to happen.

Yet I’ve noticed patterns in relationships of not feeling accepted as I am.

I’ve expressed it.

I thought it was positive.

And it was.

But there was something lurking in the shadows of acceptance…

There was a need for validation in disguise as wanting to be accepted as I am. There was a lack of wanting to work on myself. A cop-out. If I accept myself as I am, then I don’t have to change things. And that’s true because change happens naturally.

Yet still I was seeking validation. And a strong desire to be loved.

Here’s the trick–it was coming from a place of not having acceptance.

I followed my root causes back on my timeline, to when I died as a small child. And to when I was one month in the womb. Through all of the imprinting stages of childhood through early adulthood, I had been seeking acceptance from my brother. Wow! Could that still be showing up?

Yes.

What’s more, that seeking was coming from a place of lack. That meant that subconsciously I was pushing away from acceptance.

That gave me independence.

And it’s also the source of my uber-empathic abilities (I taped into others’ emotions to feel connection).

So yea, I’ve got some good stuff from it, and I’m now ready to let that go…

But here’s the thing.

I knew by the signs my body has been giving me that there was something very powerful I was too be letting go of still. I had no idea it was going to be this…

Part of what once lay hidden in this shadow was this desire to be loved.

I’m currently letting that go too.

I’m cutting all ties.

I’m a clean slate.

But I still WANT TO want to share love. I’m done pushing away!

I’m surrendering in self love.

Unconditional love.

Divine love!

I’m getting signs that this is the right path. But man does it hurt!

Where I thought I had no attachments, I did.

Where I thought I released expectations I find some.

Where I felt an absolute deserving of what’s best for me, I find nothing.

Well fuck.

Where do I go from here, knowing that everything in the past has completely served the highest intent, moreso with every step I’ve taken? What’s the next step?

I’m letting go of desiring love, while still desiring love, and it’s creating a feedback loop (thank you conscious mind).

After all, what empowering belief is powerful enough to replace an honest desire to be loved when self-love is already present and moreso in every brand new moment?

So far I’ve downloaded three of the major aspects of divine love: Trust, acceptance, and longing. Longing is the lower of the three vibrationally and ties the existence of divine love to the realm of the living through self love. This creates the upper echelon of the Star of David, representing the ‘as above’ in ‘as above, so below.’

Basically, trust is trusting that everything in the universe has exactly what it needs. Accepting means you don’t have to do anything for everything to attract its perfect partner to create matter and life. And longing is the nature of attraction coming from a knowing that all things are connected, yet separate in illusion. This triage creates life. This is God consciousness.

I AM on the ‘so below’ part of the equation (self-love), as with all life. I AM the life that’s created. And I AM trusting, accepting, and longing all at once. I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. But that’s an impossibility. This consciousness is not about doing something right or wrong. It just is.

This consciousness is simply a forward-moving dimension for energy to move, as with time and karma.

I guess this is the next version of myself. But I don’t even know who I AM now. I’m unified with an alien collective consciousness known as Xanacae. I don’t know what this means other than the fact that I AM the ground to the energetic circuit for human ascension.

It feels like this is the end of humanity and all I desire is to be loved in these last moments, even though I’m letting go of the desire to be loved.

And so…

What is the gift?

What’s the lesson that once realized will see all other lessons before it completely transcended?

What’s my ‘WHY?‘

If it was love, I wouldn’t be asking these questions.

I feel lost in a sea of infinite knowledge…

If someone asked me a week ago, it’s be easy. My ‘why’ was self-love. Divine love. Belonging. Being whole and complete within a body of knowledge much greater than my mind can currently imagine.

My ‘why’ isn’t to wake people up. It’s not to heal them. I give tools to help people do that for themselves. And it’s not to love or be loved (apparently).

And so my ‘why’ becomes to shed the layers of everything I once thought I was and everything I once thought I desired.

My why is to be a clean slate.

An empty vessel (empty is good in this way).

A receptive state of consciousness.

I don’t have the answers. All I can do is meditate on this. And yes, I’ve heard pretty much all the arguments about divine timing, manifesting, and deserving. This is sooooo not about any of that!

This is coming to terms with letting go of a desire so fucking strong that it’s driven me to become who I AM today. This is about letting go of the desire to be loved

This is the beginning of the unbecoming, even after unbecoming the programming from my environment through billions of years of evolution. This is the unbecoming of love, posing the even greater question as to what that might lead to.

This is the destruction of my complete belief system, that which is love. Simply that.

I AM willing to let go.

And so without knowing the answers, all I can say now is, see you on the other side of the question mark! And keep loving yourself through it!

Mysteries lead to miracles.

To be continued…

=D